AbstractRetrospection

No smoking, eating or drinking.

2011-11-27T22:43:00.001-05:00

I ride the train everyday to work. Morning and night. I'll usually try and find a seat that isn't so 'out in the open' of the trains' hallways. Something more isolated where I can finish my makeup, read my book, listen to my music or do all at once without anyone noticing what a ridiculous mayhem I always am. But the one thing I do more than any of those other important train duties or rituals, is stare at others. Stare and waste time to wonder about others' lives and the reason of what exactly brought them to this moment right now. Why this train and time? Are you going to work too? If so, why don't you have a uniform? I know I know I don't have one but it's because I have a cool job. You look like you should have a uniform. I telepathically talk or ask stupid rhetorical questions to as many people as I can during my ride. It's stupid, I know. But how can I not be curious about this person that just walked up and sat across from me like nothing! Boom down. Like nothing. Boom just down. He's a Haitian man, I'd say forty-five, and looks like he just came out from work. I mean, of course he did, the only people that ride these damn trains in Miami are people getting off or going to work, without means of decent transportation, people without cars. Of course there are those remarkable ones that ride just because they have nothing left to do, or perhaps just too young and foolish. This man however isn't one of those weirdos. I understand him. It's late, I know because he keeps looking at his old worn leather watch and sighing. Almost in despair, drowning and about to moan for a bed. He's tired, I understand. My feet hurt too I would easily tell him; if I knew him. He opens his stone colored backpack and he pulls out his earphones, long ride I see. I have a long ride too, I'd softly tell him; if I knew him. And so with his earphone gesture I pull my headphones out too. In a quick nod and eyebrow lift sort of face thing I tell him almost everything though, Thanks for reminding me, because I too have a long ride left in this florescent lonely snake. Maybe I should just pull out my harmonica huh? Just kidding.

Dear Tall Dark Stranger,

2011-11-22T00:30:00.001-05:00

You don't know me completely even barely and vice versa, but I do love you. And I was hoping that you would love me too. And when you do begin to love me don't stop because whatever is the point of beginning something so intricate as this when all the while there is a lingering deadline in your mind? Don't do that to me stranger, please. When you see it work, ambiguities aside, would you tell me then that things will no longer fall apart? no more brilliant disenchantment whose choreography I know too well. Will you please promise me that decades will begin to be much more blissful because of your presence tangled into mine? With no vacant surprises anymore. Well that is all I hope for, dearest tall stranger of mine.

letter I sent to newspaper editor

2011-07-22T18:24:00.007-04:00

Letter to editor: Miami New Times

Is Rick Scott America's Worst Governor?

24th bithday

2011-07-08T15:12:00.009-04:00

New York Legalizes Same-Sex Marriage 6.24.11

2011-06-25T13:42:00.012-04:00

Senator Mark J. Grisanti, a Republican from Buffalo

was the 33rd vote for the bill.

“I apologize for those who feel offended,”Mr. Grisanti said,

“I cannot deny a person, a human being,

a taxpayer, a worker, the people of my district and across this state,

the State of New York, and those people who make this the great state

that it is the same rights that I have with my wife.”

#sighnomore

2011-05-17T18:09:00.001-04:00

2348 mistakes

2011-04-17T21:44:00.011-04:00

I haven't been to this state in six, seven years, where am I? I tell myself. I've traveled so far to get here. A familiar silence begins to suffocate me as he grabs my hand, leading me into his new home. The house is an old white missionary one in the west, just like the one next door and the one next to it. This neighborhood was choreographed in the most quintessential manner that I stop to stare at him for just a quick moment. I met you when we were insects. We were simple starving artists 'no ones’ I telepathically tell him. He pulls my hand and doesn’t look back to hear the frequency of silence that is my voice until we reach his room. It is very dark, one window and two small scone light fixtures placed right next to the door entrance at eye level; the most bizarre location for any lighting. As the halogen lighting hits his face he kind of looks like Ursula in a funny way. We both crawl into his mattress that he has yet to buy a frame for. What seems to be his new dream life makes me wonder if this is what he gave everything up for, back there, those six hours away- air time. This whole thing that makes my eyebrows meet and my heart so heavy, has to be just a tiny sliver of the dream, right? Is the ideal symmetry in this city and the stillness in this house what you traded for when you left me?

We begin to laugh at the tiny details we notice, the differences in each other. I haven’t seen him in five six months. I think again as I roll under these gray sheets. And I don’t know if things are the same, if we can be the same, or if everything is gone, maybe destroyed between my blizzards and the obese morning fog in his town. Right now, right now I can’t tell. ‘Your hair is so long now!’ He tells me. ‘Well shit you’re so skinny! I told you to stay fat for me!’ I said. Conversations turn into threads of wild laughter, and I hug him exactly like I used to as he falls asleep. I remember looking at his lips, the sheets and lights. I tell myself stay here, hold this memory. Because as much as I like today these minutes, seconds and right now, I knew it was a bad idea when I was 2348 miles away. Yet miles mean nothing when its too late to regret and the ballet dance between our bodies is still the same.

In My Life:: chords

2011-03-07T14:13:00.002-05:00

when did this happen

2011-02-21T11:42:00.018-05:00

'Pretty eyed, pirate smile, you'll marry a music man

Ballerina, you must have seen her dancing in the sand
And now she's in me, always with me, tiny dancer in my hand.' -Elton John

me & fran's note. 2009

2011-01-27T10:18:00.004-05:00

click to see our note- I'll be the one

playing with The New Yorker

2010-12-15T18:42:00.008-05:00

Stood

in my life
nervously for him.
Several strands swayed like reeds.
He sadly shook.
Anxiety lived in a house,
married for thirty-seven years but not spoken
during the last ten.
To communicate,
in his spare time,
in the midst a year proceeding
a year because they could not agree.
Because they could not agree. 

2010-11-24T22:31:00.002-05:00

This video is beautiful. Wish I could go on a road trip to see these stars

TimeScapes: Rapture from Tom Lowe @ Timescapes on Vimeo.

It reminds me a lot of the old movie Baraka

runaway inspired

2010-11-09T02:13:00.004-05:00

he stares at static.

2010-11-03T02:03:00.002-04:00

typing...

2010-11-02T01:53:00.003-04:00

command//control//option

2010-10-27T18:09:00.005-04:00

I'm a professional person ok!
I go to meetings, wear gel and copy paste.
The path he followed to get where he now was a blurred and pixelated one.
I don't have time for these things he said in a rhetorical language.
A language that I denied to understand until the day he left.
No time to turn and see the glow, vivid vibrance in my eyes.
I used to like your smile once.
I said I used to like your saturated smile once.
cut.

my life, it makes no sense.

2010-08-29T02:21:00.003-04:00

“...There is this idea of American culture, of being a nomad, this freewheeling attitude. And real nomadic culture, I feel, it's more about survival, visible survival.” --Mel Chin

2010-08-22T23:52:00.012-04:00

somewhere in between all the slabs
i keep watching it sting me nervously
it's ok because every inch of me is bruised;
as far as i can see
hours pass,
i swear i did not mean for it to feel like this.
falling in where there is no one in between
strings and things they pull and poke at me like jokes
now the tile in front of me is fading, concrete tiles.
disarrayed and dirty, like them rats in those tracks.
concrete tiles line up next to green thin patterns
flooding the space reminiscent of that grass where i laid with him.
that rat.
that famous day.
the tile before me has been fading, green and clear,
opaque like the lakes where i swam with transparent people
lakes that lead to no nowhere
where is everybody anyways?
where are you!
where is everyone
white and black tile fades into gray
cascading over old treads, grooves of rails and routes
shiny bacteria next to all these rats and grimy concrete stairs
stairs that also lead no fucking where.
tell me, where where do they lead?
the walls are caving in,
underground, we can't live like this!

lol real & ridic texts:

2010-08-09T00:46:00.003-04:00

A: Hey B, we're in your neighborhood you should come out and drink with us!
B: I did coke.

C: Hey what's up?
D: omg. I'm Pregnant.

believe it or not.

2010-06-24T23:52:00.018-04:00

Today. 11:53pm June 24th, 2010.

Today waking up in Brooklyn,

while making gradual moves I sneak out of someone's bed,
still leaving uneasy traces of myself

I walk faster and faster to take the G and A train to Manhattan.

After climbing five stories I can unlock the door of the last apartment I've been trying to stay at.

I shower, brush my teeth and breathe

But wait, what?

Just right now, I find out that I am longer welcome?!
my last moment here is right now.

Yea, I knew it anyways, I've been getting that vibe.

Just give me a minute ok?

Ok. So I dress up in black dress ready for my waitress interview that's one hour away.

I know huh?
One fucking hour.

Jesus, help me. Please.

Pack bitch! Hurry!

Thirty minutes

do I keep packing?

Stuff or train?

Crap or train?

Crap is crap.

Duh.

Take the A train to 42nd and then the 7 to Grand Central Station

Woah This place is fancy man!

Yes! Finally after two months and $100 dollars left with no couches left,

I nailed this stupid job. Finally.

Now back to Manhattan, upper west side to get my luggage.

"Thanks a lot !" I tell her.

Thanks a lot I guess.

Yea, that was actually really nice.
yea, I guess.

Alright c'mon focus and let's go, get outta here

Port Authority to move to another state.

Jesus, help me. Please.

New Jersey.

A sweet basement where I can "stay as long as you want"

really? ok.

Let's see how long this really lasts.

I'm a nomad and I'm ready though

excited

grateful

And I'm telling you, I'm going make it here.

I'm then going to write that fucking book.
pinky swear.

2010-06-01T16:01:00.010-04:00

We were like vagabonds at the beach that night. The couple in our tribe slept next to the swings, far from we now stood. The sand floor was a tense and very cold one. But we were brave and so decided to walk closer to the clamorous waves. I cuffed my jeans up high and we decided to let this moonlight guide us. I felt safe. We didn't walk too deep, just until we were covered with a complete feeling of harmony and fresh ocean over our feet. As I smiled, I looked at her and shouted "are you going to remember this?". Shouting back she said "Yeah! yeah. I am." "Remember for me please" I said "Just in case ok?" "Ok I will" We smiled and lingered around until each of us looked smaller and smaller. We must've walked miles by the shore, because when we came back to our tepees and blankets everyone was so asleep. I still felt the beautiful bliss moment of dark silky water that can turn white when it kisses the sand, mermaids watching me and all the while a simple moon leading us with it's glow. And I write it now, in a 'just in case' type of manner;

wild flowers

2010-04-08T15:47:00.003-04:00

There were a lot of things that were so oblivious to me one summer ago that I can now clearly catch at any quick glimpse. One of those things is time. I didn't realize then that the way the flowers were going crazy, the particular movies we watched under the Brooklyn bridge next to the silly hipsters and the steps we took to get there would never be the same again. I shaved half of my long mermaid off that May and Mariam cut most of her hair. We looked insane and we were happy. We danced all over the city, sat in battery park reading stories and riding the free ferry. When it was extra warm we would eat ice cream outside of Mariam's sublet apartment and watch the sunset, then try and make music with all the outrageous instruments the apartment owner had. We recorded some of our music in Mariam's digital camera too. But sometimes, when it was just right and we were coming home from the city and it started to rain, you could almost...run away from the rain! or like us, wait for the rain. Seduced by it's heavy glitter. I didn't understand then that the time we shared doing all those funny things was so precise and perfect for such a summer. A summer that a woman shaves her hair off, works 9-5 and then paints in the park all night with her friend until the end of summer when her best friend moves home, Cairo, Egypt. What I knew then was that I was happy, a little clueless of my next step, but still we were fine and wild, everything was just right. You didn't have to fix the frame on the wall. I'm thinking of this today because Mariam is coming this August...

Mariam: ...ahh, i miss it all, so much,, i'm gonna talk to my boss soon about me leaving for NY for a while a month or three weeks or something... i neeeed it! i need to see you.. this time.. dye our hair?? jk

me: lol i did!

jet black

Mariam: ooh, seeexy

me: but u cant tell

lol

Mariam: you always dye it black though.. was thinking, more like green..

me: lmao yea

Mariam: and me, red and we'll wait till our hair turns the sky into christmas

ooh, jingle jingle.....

i am an explorer!

2010-03-30T00:20:00.001-04:00

2010-03-28T23:44:00.000-04:00

2010-03-26T21:39:00.001-04:00

i used to be such a good good swimmer

2010-03-11T14:00:00.009-05:00

its a funny thing to learn to swim when you start to drown. the water was wet and my hair drifted along, leaving like a fish. the people were whistling and he was humming the melody of some distant traffic in another country. where did my hair go and why couldn't i grab it; well whatever, it went too fast and it was too late anyways. its a funny thing to learn to swim when you start to drown. the white mailing labels where i printed your information wasn't collecting dust anymore. i grabbed it, took a dolphin bark of breath out of this iced place and sent that shit with those nice stamps. but laugh out loud, your weren't surprised? it's an rsvp of letters this game we play. and it's getting old. i learned how to destroy my fort and made sure to throw away the lovely soft talismans to make room for something new.

....and then what?

2010-02-26T20:22:00.002-05:00

black & white wonderland

2010-02-09T15:33:00.004-05:00

beautiful surprises in the film that i finally developed

ima quote you on that

2010-01-08T20:08:00.010-05:00

I know the most ridiculous people who say the most amazing shit. Here are some crazy quotes:

--" 'Are you going to put that potato in the juicer?' 'No it's ginger Evelyn!"

--"Damn she gave u a D? That's that one class where you made funny jokes and they didn't laugh back huh. "

--"How do people in NY coming out of bars not die? It's like drunk drives running over drunk people!"

--"So my publisher fucked up and changed all my writing for the magazine, so I just went home and smoked crack with my neighbor some prostitute."

--"Oh God I would never have a baby! Do you know how much paperwork a child takes?! ugh no way"

--"The closest person that acts like your best friend, I would have to say would seriously be a heroin addict"

The Magic Pebble

2009-11-22T01:08:00.011-05:00

We moved to miami when i was five years old
miami is the name of a native american tribe from florida
"the cry of a crane"
we were natives and indians of el salvador
"guanacos"
in miami we were foreigners.
we have always been foreigners in miami.
on my seventh birthday the pink cake crashed on the floor
that table was from k-mart, it wasn't real wood
and my dad gave me a pink purse with pens that had erasers
when my baby sister wrote all over my Sylvester and the Magic Pebble
book with a marker, i cried and tried to erase everything
with the pen's erasers.
my dad said we would go back to the dollar store
and buy more pens with erasers
we never did.
but i still have that old purse,
and i remember the book that i was so embarrassed to return to the library.
it was a book about a donkey who collected pebbles, not knowing that he was collecting pebbles that had magic inside.

oh man, how funny

2009-10-21T22:39:00.003-04:00

"will build a fort with me"

2009-10-07T23:34:00.009-04:00

she said my veins were hard to find.
make a fist again please. the nurse uptown kept exhaling.
the other nurse downstairs said my blood pressure was too low.
and the one in florida said the levels of medicine in my blood were too high.
well?
what am i supposed to do with all this fucking information?
sometimes i think i am so fragile i am invisible.
i can close my eyes, begin to spin, tracing back to where everything began.
long night, hard paper, elmer's glue and swing-arm fluorescent lamps
the rain the rain
i can't hear you.
slipping language and outlines of foreign pictures
why is everyone talking so quick. wait for me. please.
please
please
this air is running out....

TOP DOG

2009-10-06T20:35:00.020-04:00

It only lasted three months. They met every Monday at 53rd and Lexington, next to the hot-dog stand outside of the subway stop. As she walked out of the underground train and into the real world, she noticed the eloquent streets. They roared with clashing trumpets and traffic as the sidewalks carried waves of people everywhere. Wow, so this is what magic looks like, she spoke softly under her breath. As she hurried to ask the hot-dog man if he'd seen him, she found a curious hand pulling her shoulder back. It was him! They sat inside the Manhattan Public Space garden with their hot-dogs and smiles. How is your work going? They asked each other. And as conversations progressed they shared secrets and stories. Mondays turned into layers of collected days as weeks matured into consolidated abstract months. Every time they met she listened to him mention the shiny high buildings and she spoke about the piercing magic in every block, in all the traffic lights. One crisp cold Monday she waited almost forty minutes before he arrived. No I'm sorry miss I haven't seen him, the hot-dog guy told her. Disconcert, she still stood there, looking for him left and right. All the while she gazed at the power on the ground, as he eventually appeared. He told her that his eager eyes had found something in a far away building. All the buildings glistened and soared, overwhelmingly leaving the city with the same dim man-made shadows. She didn't understand the difference. He squinted his eyes in a difficult position, closed his glowing hands, and walked away, into the streams of people in the streets. Lost and embarrassed, she walked towards the garbage to spit out her last hot-dog pieces in such a bitter manner, and took the train downtown; back home.

what a waste of eyeliner.

thanks katie.

2009-09-17T15:19:00.007-04:00

In my current design class we have to come up with a design proposal for the aging. Like a nursing home that is a social structure for the elderly, which would take the place of the traditional family. But before thinking about the appropriate design guidelines that should be involved, I just began thinking about a concept of memories. I love Gene Kelly, his tap dancing and smile, and so I have began to see and learn about the particular glitter that each B&W film holds. Those lost movies that people used to watch at the theater; I wonder what the elderly can say or remember about those times in their lives, and if there really was a sort-of mist in real life that every one of these films project.

This thing that I'm saying

2009-09-07T00:47:00.018-04:00

I had a nightmare last night, that as I see now was actually more like a dream. I barely ever remember generic words, or daily events but I do know about my dreams. I remember the intricate details always. And I don't know why.
In my dream last night I found myself walking aimlessly alone, stranded at night in an intimidating empty area that reminds me of the neighborhood in deep Bed-Stuy-near the JMZ train tracks of where I once lived. I was so lost and so tiny in my dream, walking in circles captured by the shadows of the brownstone apartments and seemed to be looking for something, someone.
You know when you're dreaming and feel yourself as an omniscient presence? Where you can see yourself - as if you were in third person but are so deep in your sleep so you cannot warn or talk to your 'actual dream self' to let them know what is going on and give them advice, as you do see the bigger picture. Yet, like any, well all really, third wheel person, you are invisible.
Well anyways, as I turn into the unknown alleys and cracks of this neighborhood inside my brain, one which I have never been to, a man comes running up behind me. I, as the third person, the one watching the whole episode cannot do anything but freeze my breath and try to wake myself. However as he grasps my face from behind, his hands are not what the third person expects. They are sweet, nostalgic. When I turn around to see his face, what a strange surprise. It is the first man I had ever fallen in love with, and the first man to break my heart. Why are we here? I don't remember the last time I had thought about him, I don't even know why I remember his hands now instead of ever learning how to get around Manhattan!
Regardless, he takes me to a party in a gallery. A party where only people from those high school days are there. But now they are grown and dressed up! And I am so excited, like everyone else. It seems like everyone is waiting for some very special guest to arrive, in the meantime we all greet and smile as we hold wine glasses and I remember the bright white flowers in the background. Melanie is here, Grant and James Ward and so is everyone else from DASH. But now the guest has arrived! And here he is, Seraphin Bernard make his entrance so slick, on a motorcycle.

2009-09-04T17:23:00.002-04:00

even though they were dead when i found them, i am confident they still withhold some good luck.

similar message in diff languages

2009-09-04T02:57:00.012-04:00

Shakira: No Creo Fourth album, ¿Dónde Están Los Ladrones? 1998

English translation:
"only you know well who I am
and why my heart is yours
only you bend my reasoning
and so I go where you want to,
I do not think that the sea will one day lose the taste of salt
still I do not believe in me yet"

Alanis Morissette: You Learn Third Albumb Jagged Little Pill 1995

"I recommend getting your heart trampled on to anyone
I recommend walking around naked in your living room
Swallow it down (what a jagged little pill)
It feels so good (swimming in your stomach)
Wait until the dust settles
You live you learn
You love you learn
You cry you learn"

i looked for you yesterday

2009-09-04T02:11:00.004-04:00

I looked for you yesterday and all I found was this rococo lamp on the street. It was pretty neat. You come back from that business trip and give me a gift. Ok cool. A mug made out of mud. How nice of you my dear; my darling, my darling.

2009-08-27T01:28:00.004-04:00

i am writing letters addressed to you that i will never send. why are we here and why are you oblivious to the meanings in everything? i bought my own flowers today, did i tell you? yes they were sunflowers! beautiful sunflowers that lit up my room like Van Gogh's corny paintings. me and him can relate you know, on that crazy level. Poor artists and epileptic brains. i wonder if Van Gogh bought his own flowers though. i am betting he did.

draft 1

2009-08-23T02:34:00.031-04:00

This is about Arleen today-

"There's a huge heat wave in Miami! ughh! I am getting tanned against my own will! Your so lucky you have that fan from QVC, what is it called? the 'Ionic Breeze' right?" Arleen tells me over the phone, as she rushes to catch the bus to her new job at Jackson North Hospital where she is a "custodian". A janitor. Arleen, my friend for nine years has just graduated from Rhode Island School of Design, with her full scholarship as a painting major. Now living in Miami, in a time like this, I would say anyone with a job is pretty 'lucky' ; whatever that word implies.
Our high school was a weird one. Design& Architecture Senior High School a tiny community inside Miami's Design District where Dali's video installations and our four hour critiques were always much more important than algebra and any science; no one in that damn school could add or multiply then. And it is probably the same way today. As seniors we anticipated about those college responses. One envelope that would determine where life would 'lead' us. We feared that "we regret to inform you" sentence and jumpedwhen the envelope was thick, meaning that the university's 'student life' brochure would be inside.
Those days were over five years ago and everyone was accepted to their dream college all over the world. Yet like that saying 'it is easier said than done' being accepted is one thing-and graduating is another. So I ask myself- who in that little senior 05' class actually graduated college? Who gave up, who stayed home? I never knew. I can no longer recognize people from those classes anymore; I could never imagine grown up faces of those children I once knew, can't fathom any idea of those kids in Miami's bars or beaches.
However, growing up in New York far away from my close friends seemed easier than I thought it would, like Arleen.It is easy to recollect ridiculous memories of Arleen. Things that have happened in our perennial thanksgiving parties here in my dorm in Brooklyn and laughs from just yesterday about the bucket of blood she had to dump from the ICU but avoided by sleeping in the Hospital's chapel while hiding her garbage cart.
"It is easy to see the beginnings of things, and harder to see the ends." Writes Joan Didion in one of her essays. I quote this now because I feel like we are back to those high school days. The days where we were starving and she worked at Burger King and I worked at Krispy Kreme and took the day's left overs home along with the penny tips.
I have never had over $200 in my bank account in New York. Brooklyn to me has always seemed like a place where life is free, and money is insignificant. Now that I will graduate in less than a year and cannot sleep at night because ofmoney on my mind, or the lack of it, that 'free' idea begins to fade quickly.
And as me and Arleen share coins for the train, cheap immigrant buses and lotto, when we are home for the holidays, I wonder about about the impact of money in our life. It's significance throughout our entire lives.All holidays in Florida were the best. The few of us who were still friends came back from college all happy and unaware of cash. Even when we all worked stupid night shifts at Guess, Stuart Weitzman, GAP and of course Arleen's random shit job- a phone agent for Direct TV, we usually always ended up laughing at Wendy's as we watched Arleen complain about her dollar cheeseburger. She didn't get a tomato slice and any lettuce so she called their customer service, the number on the receipt. Receipts she saved. After realizing she was wasting her minutes and watched us giggle, Arleen hung up and laughed along with us.
We still eat where soda refills are free and share cigarettes. We are all twenty-two and money for me is an expensive idea. While none of us own cars or know how to drive, money is just that- money. Pieces of paper that we don't own, a simple fact in a recession that we accepted. Like accepting that in the end we are still the same people we were nine years ago. Broke and good friends.
"They couldn't afford to pay me or have me anymore at the hospital anymore. Whatever, that place was a piece of shit anyways. Man I had to take all those damn vaccines for nothing! I only worked there for a week! But good news good news, I have an interview for a new job tomorrow! It's a fancy office job. When I went to buy nail polish at Walgreens I paid the cash register lady all in coins and told her I was broke. She looked at my fake nails, where I was missing two, and said ' I can tell ' " Arleen tells me later.

95 degrees in this bitch and no AC

2009-08-21T22:51:00.004-04:00

"I was never a big fan of people who don’t leave home. I don’t know why.It just seems part of your duty in life. " -Joan Didion

2009-08-21T14:31:00.007-04:00

I bought a few books this summer. Old books that I never read because I was lazy and probably wouldn't understand anyways. And books like ghosts and memories, that have been following me around, telling me to buy them already. I have bought Virgina Woolf's 1927 novel "To the Lighthouse" and Betty Smith's 1943 "A Tree Grows In Brooklyn". But perhaps the best thing I'm doing is reading books that I already own and never actually read or finished. Smart recession move here huh.
For instance I never did finish "The Art of The Personal Essay". It's a beautiful anthology from classical to a present structure of writing. It is filled with seventy-five essays and because they are all short essays and there is no need or rush to finish such a thick book, I found myself carrying it everywhere. Reading next to the pool, on the plane and in my job. Each essay is very personal, an experience where each author draws you in a very elegant and distinct form.

"when I was six or seven years old growing up in Pittsburgh, I would take a precious penny of my own and hide it for someone else to find. It was a curious compulsion; sadly, I've never been seized by it since. For some reason I always "hid" the penny on the same stretch of sidewalk up the street. I would cradle a penny at the roots of a sycamore, say, or in a hole left by a chipped-off piece of sidewalk. Then I would take a piece of chalk and, starting at either end of the block, draw huge arrows leading up to the penny from both directions. After I learned to write I labeled the arrows: SURPRISE AHEAD or MONEY THIS WAY. I was greatly excited during all this arrow-drawing, at the thought of the first lucky passer-by…. The world is fairly studded and strewn with pennies cast broadside from a generous hand. But–and this is the point–who gets excited by a mere penny?… If you cultivate a healthy poverty and simplicity, so that finding a penny will literally make your day, then, since the world is in fact planted in pennies, you have with your poverty bought a lifetime of days."

Annie Dillard's "Seeing" 1974

"working on it.jpeg"

2009-07-31T01:32:00.007-04:00

So I've been working on interior renderings on 3D Studio MAX. When I found out that barely anything had saved (aaah!) except one blurry jpeg, and no actual document, I just decided to give it a rest and look at funny things like this online>

click the image to see & read it good :]

FB chat: It's free speech right!

2009-07-23T12:38:00.011-04:00

Sooo... our design class/major is filled with more politics and favoritism than any other major in the entire school. Maybe because there are only girls and gays, and then- like the five of us, weird art kiddos that don't fit in-but want to build stuff too! Our chair, Anita told me once "with your work you could never be an interior designer, and trust me I could be nastier!" what the hell right! I would say that 99% of our class has cried because of this system and mostly Anita. Maybe it is like the real working world, maybe it's like the real corporate insider system. I don't know, but shit still sucks. It's also crazy to see this happen to other people like Irene, Courtney, Niesha etc. Ahh what to do what to do! well, just to give you a taste- here's a little chat I had with my good friend, Irene.

Irene

there you are

you okay?

11:58amElena

yea!

11:59amIrene

i know you feel like shit. i totally understand

11:59amElena

yea

11:59amIrene

well,good think you have some optimism

i admire you for that

11:59amElena

aww thanks.

11:59amIrene

she killed me and took away my soul long time ago

i'm not doing interior design anymore

for reals

11:59amElena

ima work work and prove that bitch wrong

11:59amIrene

yea

you should

do it for me too

12:00pmElena

i will. promise :]

yo i wanna screen-shoot w/e this

it's awesome

12:01pmIrene

screen shoot wat

12:03pmElena

our chat! its so sweet, like how we are strong even though when someone can hurt us so much with words

12:03pmIrene

haha

you're strong

i'm not

it's all money and politics in the end for her

12:04pmElena

your strong & crazy because your sill going to school and doing something else. Not giving up basically

12:04pmIrene

lol

right....

lol

12:04pmElena

lol

its true

she's going to hell man. or Karma is going to get her good

but wateves :]

12:05pmIrene

yea i hope she gets cancer

so i won't have to kill her

12:05pmElena

lmao i was wishing that tooo! omg

you read my mind!

12:05pmIrene

let her own cells kill her

12:05pmElena

lmao

12:05pmIrene

slowly and painfully

and yet, no one can help her

12:06pmElena

im laughing so loud in my job right now hhahah

12:06pmIrene

then she'll know how we feel

i can write a book about her

how great of a personality she had

she helped so many innocent ppl

12:06pmElena

hahaha oh lord.she will feel it good

12:06pmIrene

yet, she got cancer and died alone in her dark room

so many ppl will have pity on her, but oh well, she's DEAD!

12:08pmElena

hahaha too bad for that hoe. God see's how much she hurts us. So many people

girls at that

12:08pmIrene

it's going to rain from 2pm

did you bring an umbrella?

12:08pmElena

did u just stop from our "cancer-hate' talk?

nope.

12:09pmIrene

honestly elena, i respect you a lot more than anita

hahaha

12:09pmElena

lolz

12:09pmIrene

i just checked the weather so

i was just telling you

but back to our cancer talk

12:09pmElena

lol

12:09pmIrene

i have absolutely no respect for her

12:11pmElena

me neither. Now i have to borrow $40G's AGAIN.

my voice through this blog.

2009-07-21T16:29:00.008-04:00

Where have all our voices gone?
Twitter, Facebook and texts; computers and programs.
little gadgets and systems that exercise our fingers out like motherfuckers.
Have we sunken our voices into little crevices of space that we can't even touch?
Have we translated our vocal folds into data like those who have a speech disorder?
or did we chose to hide our human voice which reveal our own harmonic content.
I remember me.
I remember you.
And the songs we use to hum,
the intricate pulses of our breathe and contagious laughter.
The fuel in our voices could stop cars and break any glass.
Still your iphone could break all of that.
And now your voice fades slowly, balancing into and out of my fingers,
when i write you twitts and texts,
messages and comments.
Voices no longer resonating in my mind like they once use to.
Do you remember me, my voice, while you receive the digital me?

lady

2009-07-19T21:21:00.009-04:00

Every time I begin to play on my harmonica there is a little ladybug that comes in through my window. Maybe the ladybug is hot and just wants to hear some music. It's funny because this has happened like three times! the ladybug is there when I'm done cleaning my mind, room, ready to practice.
Patience makes perfect I say; and there is my lil' ladybug patiently listening to all my mistakes and first steps into becoming the next Junior Wells.

Destination: anywhere;

2009-07-19T17:07:00.004-04:00

"Sir, I told the man at the railroad station"
"I want a ticket just for one"
He said "Well, if you insist
But where you wanna go, miss?"

strange&recent things in this month

2009-07-06T11:15:00.009-04:00

sat. july 4th- I took a 13$ taxi from the city, exhausted from the entire day's events. When i swiped my card inside the taxi it was declined. OH SHIT! i only had 2$cash, so I told the driver i would borrow money from my roommate, but of course no one was even in my floor...so i never went back down to the taxi guy. oh man, i felt so bad.

sun. july 5th- The church pastor talks about how every action has a consequence.
We went to the HighLinePark for the second time, and i got a 50$ ticket because I stepped on the grass. The security fat guy said if i keep laughing so 'disrespectful' there'd be a warrant for my arrest. what!? lol but but it's a park!
-while this fight was going down Mike Myers walks right by....

was that ticket karma from july 4th ? like Common says "Karma is a bitch and i know that she bites"...

Finally, we went!

2009-07-04T10:15:00.006-04:00

I spen this friday nigh at the Nuyorican Poets Cafe, listening to strong spoken word and at the end of the night, the 12th 'open mic' person was me!

read my poem "To Do" here

Nuyorican Poets Café is a non-profit organization in Alphabet City, Manhattan. It is a bastion of the Nuyorican art movement in New York City. Home to NYC's freshest artists, is a multi-cultural community dedicated to artistic empowerment and creative diversity.

what the?

2009-06-26T23:44:00.004-04:00

It was pretty beautiful hearing everyone blasting Michael Jackson songs all over the streets of Brooklyn.

NY Times-

“His race was very blurry,” said Ning Liu, 28, an electrical engineer who moved to the Chicago suburbs from China four years ago.

Still, it was Mr. Jackson’s changeability that, in part, allowed him to resonate with millions of people around the world.

Mr. Liu, who went to Gary to place flowers outside Mr. Jackson’s childhood home, said: “His voice, his look, the way he did things — it didn’t fit the stereotype people had of black people. People were not afraid of him.”

"That's Why We Don't Eat Animals"

2009-06-22T17:47:00.003-04:00

Ruby Roth is an artist, author, and teacher living in Los Angeles. A vegan since 2003, Roth was teaching art in an after-school program when the children’s interest in healthy foods and veganism first inspired her to write "That's Why We Don't Eat Animals"

lately

2009-06-17T12:25:00.005-04:00

"life changes in the instant" -Joan Didion

2009-06-17T09:31:00.010-04:00

"Wow" i told myself, "what a cool boss i have now!" when i got my new job.
Three weeks later, my boss had to leave for personal reasons. For three weeks though she was a cool-ass bitch whom i laughed with and talked about everything to in Spanish. Our cubicle was like a working beauty salon, not too loud though-the real big boss is around the corner. Filing paper didn't seem that bad. It was kinda okay. The day she left she told me in one sentence, everything that i've been trying to say for a long time.It just rolled right out of her lips "Once you get used to people they fade away, but that's life." The perfect words to sum up a lot. Investing in myself and my family while expecting nothing from anyone else would benefit me more than seeing how shit has been going down. As Kim would call it, people are "let downs". I wrote every single person a letter. I don't want to see anymore disappearing acts in my life, fuck that. I'm good where i am and with who i already have.
My mom told me before i went to Florida the last time, "why is it that everyone you bring to the house always turns out to be a bitch?" "but this is different mom! I know it!" Ha! my mom, that woman is always fucking right. "Mejor solo que mal acompañado" is the old Spanish saying that i now really learned. Better alone than poorly accompanied.

MOVIE- Food Inc.

2009-06-10T21:48:00.003-04:00

Faster, Fatter, Bigger, Cheaper...

"FROM: Hassel Lopez SUBJECT: lol i talk too much crap..."

2009-06-08T13:18:00.010-04:00

So Hassel emailed me, after one of our long conversations, something very interesting, it is about why some people ( those who aren't crazy ) cannot realize or admit that what they do to themselves or others can be really fucked up; and if they do, why the fuck don't they stop? And why do other people try and help and then get caught in a whole other mess. UGH. But Hassel is pretty smart I would say, and thought it through....

(sic)
"Ok, so i took a break from writing my thesis! And came up with this crap. It's about what we were talking about today. Go to the link when you get to the name Tantalus(I hope it makes sense. Message me if anything)

It’s amazing how it takes people years to realize that they have lost themselves in trying to fix everyone’s lives. It’s horrible to think that precious time and thoughts you’ve devoted to others were time and thought that you could have dedicated to enriching yourself, instead of spending it on unappreciative people who would not know how to deal with life even if the answer slapped them on the face.

Granted, we all need help sometimes. I’ve come to realize that in order to live in peace we have to be a little selfish about most of the things that matter. This is to not be misinterpreted as to say we should be self-centered, and without empathy rather, it is to say we can help each other only if our peer is willing to help themselves first. This is the key. When we help others or think we can help others our desire to help clouds the fact that every mind is of its own, that every heart and mind can only be penetrated if it is willing to let you through. Otherwise our effort is in vain and alike Tantalus reaches in vain for water and luscious fruits, we will torture ourselves because we know the answers but are unable pass on the awareness of the obvious happiness they cannot see.

So here’s my conclusion, every person owns their own life. No one will take care of you in the toughest times, because it’s too difficult to deal with own lives and someone else’s too. It’s a matter of choosing, between ourselves and others. Problem is when we choose ‘others’ we lose ourselves and down the line realize we are completely empty inside , because we have nothing left for ourselves.

BYE
Hassel"

Funny enough, I found this great performance installation of work by Royal College of Art graduate Ioli Kalliopi Sifakaki designed a dinner service cast from her own body and then invited a dozen of her male friends to feast from the tableware.

The dinner service, and the dining furniture Sifikaki designed, are based on the Greek myth of Tantalus, in which Tantalus boils his son Pelops and offers him up as food to the gods to appease them.

This is [now] five years old.

2009-06-07T00:52:00.010-04:00

Kanye's first album "The College Dropout" is one of my favorite albums ever, released in 2004 when he was humble and I was in high school. However a lot has changed since through the years. According to Wiki-"The album was recorded over a period of four years, beginning in 1999. After years of work that West underwent in order to establish himself as an artist, after dropping out of college to pursue his dream of becoming a musician, he emerged into the mainstream with his debut studio album. Upon its release, the album became a massive commercial success, expressing three ten top singles and selling over 441,000 copies in its first week alone. The College Dropout is widely considered a musical masterpiece, garnering 'universal acclaim' by critics.The album received a Grammy nomination for Album of the Year and won Best Rap Album and Best Rap Song. It has since gone on to sell over three million copies."

He has just now though, released the video he directed of one the top songs from that album. What? after five years? Why? Well, take a look at his video and at the real sampled video/song by Marvin Gaye "Distant Lover".

SaturDAYS

2009-06-02T17:08:00.003-04:00

omg quotes

2009-05-29T13:43:00.005-04:00

"Did I tell you my purse and external hard-drive got on fire? Oh! I didn't tell you, it was that night I put it on top of my cigarette. That sucked, but whatever" -Kim

"It's like killing two birds with one stone...but who wants to kill two birds?" -me

"YOU ARE WHO YOU ATTRACT"

to be continued...

last edit-to read in front of errbody at the cafe fri.

2009-05-28T23:12:00.011-04:00

"To Do"

"Don't have a seizure, you'll ruin her birthday" she told me.
I feel like I have chained feet even though
my soul has always been free.
Free like the smiles you get from
seeing white people dance, kitties sleep
and free like the papers everyone in the streets tries to give you.
but-
whenever you tell me these words
that make up these sentences that just hurt my soul,
I feel closer to the earth than I have ever been.
All I want to do is fly,
like those birds in Brooklyn,
Just ride a bike, swim, drive a car.
But like your words that state the obvious,
my epilepsy is stated in my Florida ID.
Obvious every time I begin to stare
stare, drool or talk unconsciously and maybe even shake.
You rinse limited facts about my life in your thick dirty mouth
and pour them out with a simple language that I cannot deny,
because in the end it's all honest, no matter how much it hurts.
Every time I see a bike pass by, it's wheel's seem like wings.
Swimming like "damn!" and sighs
But I will learn to do everything, because right now, in this moment
no matter what you tell me,
I am in between.
I know my seizures will go away,
I am strong like the earth and it's sky
No matter how skinny my arms seem.
No matter how invisible the sky seems,
it will always, always, always
be here
for me.

-based off my old boss whom made me almost believe i was handicapped.

"things to experience"

2009-05-28T22:14:00.011-04:00

Esperanza Spalding's music reminds me of all the struggle I went through to get my paper filing, hole punching 9-5 job, recession I tell you! Like if Talib Kweli did some Jazz...like a beautiful struggle, something you just have to listen to.

Start of a better summer in the recession on film

2009-05-26T11:57:00.006-04:00

"Laughing with"

2009-05-25T18:14:00.009-04:00

Regina Spektor's new single "Laughing with" from her newest album "Far" is brilliant and honest. This is the video

Laughing With

No one laughs at God in a hospital
No one laughs at God in a war
No one’s laughing at God
When they’re starving or freezing or so very poor

No one laughs at God
When the doctor calls after some routine tests
No one’s laughing at God
When it’s gotten real late
And their kid’s not back from the party yet

No one laughs at God
When their airplane start to uncontrollably shake
No one’s laughing at God
When they see the one they love, hand in hand with someone else
And they hope that they’re mistaken

No one laughs at God
When the cops knock on their door
And they say we got some bad news, sir
No one’s laughing at God
When there’s a famine or fire or flood

But God can be funny
At a cocktail party when listening to a good God-themed joke, or
Or when the crazies say He hates us
And they get so red in the head you think they’re ‘bout to choke
God can be funny,
When told he’ll give you money if you just pray the right way
And when presented like a genie who does magic like Houdini
Or grants wishes like Jiminy Cricket and Santa Claus
God can be so hilarious
Ha ha
Ha ha

No one laughs at God in a hospital
No one laughs at God in a war
No one’s laughing at God
When they’ve lost all they’ve got
And they don’t know what for

No one laughs at God on the day they realize
That the last sight they’ll ever see is a pair of hateful eyes
No one’s laughing at God when they’re saying their goodbyes
But God can be funny
At a cocktail party when listening to a good God-themed joke, or
Or when the crazies say He hates us
And they get so red in the head you think they’re ‘bout to choke
God can be funny,
When told he’ll give you money if you just pray the right way
And when presented like a genie who does magic like Houdini
Or grants wishes like Jiminy Cricket and Santa Claus
God can be so hilarious

No one’s laughing at God
No one’s laughing at God
No one’s laughing at God
We’re all laughing with God

Fresthetic Gallery Brooklyn

2009-05-21T16:25:00.003-04:00

Robert Trujillo's solo show in Fresthetic Gallery in Williamsburg.

These photos below were taken by Mikey the Conscious Hustler

5.18.09

2009-05-17T23:58:00.009-04:00

You opened my ears to things I had never heard
things I never knew existed.
From my ears to my hands there are so many basic things
I appreciate now
And drinking here now this margarita,
watching you play your music
I feel so guilty
guilty for spending six of my Mother's dollars,
when she is paid $6.50 an hour.
My mother is a janitor,
and I am completely broke, trying to graduate.
Drinking the six dollars,
hearing these strings,
I feel like a ghost is following me around.
The colder my hands become from this glass,
I become numb to everything and everyone around me,
sync into sound.
You told me once that you sometimes believed in God
only
because of music.
Well you hear your music through your own ears and voice.
How could God not exist?

The power of words

2009-05-12T17:03:00.016-04:00

Barack Obama, himself a best selling author, will host a group of poets, musicians and actors at the first ever White House Poetry Jam (not slam).
I guess we should've known after Wanda Sykes!
awesome.

Steven M. Johnson

2009-05-07T21:04:00.004-04:00

So how do we come up with new ideas? How do we learn to think outside of normal parameters? Are the processes in place for doing so flawed? Do we rely too much on computer models? On consultants? On big-idea gurus lauding the merits of tribes and crowds or of starfish and spiders? On Twitter? No. It's Steven M. Johnson.

Johnson transportation ideas do move increasingly, if not entirely, toward practicality, like the clever albeit cumbersome Bike Vest:

The Automobile Snack Conveyor

Jenny Holzer NOW SHOWING at the Whitney!

2009-05-05T23:19:00.006-04:00

Siaara Freeman

2009-05-04T23:58:00.007-04:00

"We are the last generation who will actually be able to recall what real hip-hop is."

In her poem "Understanding," Siaara Freeman drags imagination through the pain of race relationships. After framing a diner scene, she proclaims,

"I want to talk to this clocked parasite/
take the icy rage from his eyes and place it in my coffee/
let it mix with dotty's spit/
then sip, slowly/so I can taste prejudice./
I want to understand why my great-grandmother would never truly trust a white woman/
and why me and Katy's friendship surprised her so. I need real racism to run through my veins/
and not the diluted version of merely being followed in a store./
I need to know this hatred so I can appreciate love."

2009-05-01T19:07:00.006-04:00

Shoe size

2009-05-01T11:24:00.010-04:00

You had your Wingtips from Rhode Island,
where your wings were clean and discrete.
I found your wings buried in a pile of old things in a corner of that huge place, in the middle of the frozen ice, somewhere in that state.
And I had my Magena's.
I knew I needed them,
I knew I wanted them,
they caught me.
But they were also clean and discrete.
I want to say I lost my Magena's,
but i think it's just because I can't look at them
right now.
What do you do when you are both the same
but built in different sizes?

Taken in four

2009-04-28T14:06:00.004-04:00

I took all these photos with my new lomo camera, the actionsampler.

For Important people

2009-04-26T23:33:00.000-04:00

2009-04-26T23:16:00.005-04:00

I did my laundry two three maybe four weeks ago.
I put my teddy bear Park in there with everything when I did it.
Park is clean now, but something is different.
What can it be?
Memories washed away into sewers and locked in computer files.
Digital Photographs, pixels that capture short spaces of time.
I never finished my painting,
I never thought Park looked dirty,
I never thought Park smelled dirty,
I was just a silly little girl in a dorm, after all.

Bathtub IV from Keith Loutit on Vimeo.

Nuyorican Poets Cafe

2009-04-20T16:29:00.009-04:00

The Cafe is the most integrated place on the planet Allen Ginsberg
Reading on 04.24.09

"Don't have a seizure, you'll ruin her birthday" he told me.
I feel like I have chained feet even though
I know my about my free soul.
Whenever you tell me these words that make up these sentences that just hurt my soul,
I feel closer to the earth than I have ever been.
all I want to do is fly,
like those birds in Brooklyn,
the seagulls that fly in Bed-sty
and even though I don't know why they fly there,
I want to ride a bike,
just like those wings in Bed-sty;
and if I fall from my bike,
I still know my seizures will go away,
and the sky will always, always, always
be here
for me.

New ideas & design

2009-04-19T23:59:00.009-04:00

This light design is based on the concept of pouring, pouring, pouring medicine into my body but never knowing the amounts or side effects of any medicine. Avoiding the knowledge of what it can do, yet seeing how much medicine I have taken is the main idea. Almost all the bottles have real swarovski crystals on them; as a reference of youth, adolescence and spirit. Both medicine and age are pieces of my character that I cannot prevent.
I have collected over eighty med. bottles and caps, and am still figuring out the design path for this project. I'm excited to see how this will finish.

Thanks to Geo who helped me with construction alot!

Running Fence 1972-76

2009-04-14T17:17:00.004-04:00

Christo and Jeanne-Claude

"A dream you dream alone is only a dream.
A dream you dream together is reality." -Yoko Ono

Just listen

2009-04-13T03:35:00.017-04:00

Brave New Voices: Alysia
by HBOclips

"I definitely think my generation is not what people think. They don't give us enough credit. Everyone I know is politically involved or has an opinion about what's going on. People really want change, really want something different to happen. For me, spoken word is really essential to that." -Alysia Harris

Josh, a verbal alchemist, is a 19-year-old junior at the University of Pennsylvania and a unique figure in the youth slam community.

Jasmine Bailey "Because every last person who judge me aint even remotely close to relating"

Getting used to grey.

2009-04-12T17:29:00.002-04:00

These shadows are getting longer.
While the birds are dancing in some synchronized pattern,
The shadows are also turning stronger.
Tonight will be a perfect shade of dark blue.
I can sit here from my window and still find your old corner,
I remember the birds, it was as if they were pointing towards it,
all along.

why don't you go have fun?

2009-04-11T20:29:00.004-04:00

" I'd rather be here watching you paint and hearing you cry" he told me.

RE: Caves

2009-04-11T15:40:00.006-04:00

I woke up early this morning to finish my painting, clear my mind. I haven't seen my roommate in days, since she's preparing for her sculpture show on Monday; I begin talking to her about how sometimes I just don't understand people. I've been thinking about that too, she says, and you know what it is! What Emilie tell me! I respond. Some people are just more alive than others. How will they, or we grow? I ask. Put themselves in uncomfortable conditions and learn from that, live also, as much and as far as you can see.

Jack's Mannequin -Caves

"I'm caught
Somewhere in between
Alive
And living a dream.
No peace
Just clicking machines
In the quiet of compassion.
The walls caved in on me.

And she sings
My bird dressed in white.
And she stings
My arm in the night.
I lay still
Still I'm ready to fight.
Have my lungs
But you can't take my sight.
The walls caved in
Tonight.

The walls are caving in
As far as I can see
The walls are caving in
The doors got locked for sure
There's no one here but me

And what if we were married forever?
Like the past never happened
And time did not exist for us at all
I still think we'd still be traveling together
Through all kinds of weather
Everything's a piece of everyone"

2009-04-10T16:43:00.006-04:00

Oye, have fun Saturday, el once de Abril. Ahora lo siento realmente.
Has lo que quieras, he terminado con usted.

Let's go swing in the park.

2009-04-09T16:26:00.013-04:00

The squirrels are eating pizza on the grass today.
People on the street are playing games,
kids are drawing with chalk on the sidewalks,
and everyone is riding their bikes.
Enjoying what finally looks like spring.
Deep in Brooklyn I bump into my roommate, heading to glassblow in downtown
I see a man buying a gallon of water and garlic
and I get my tooth's cavity filled.
Beautiful days create productive ideas, I would say.

why did i do that.

2009-04-08T03:20:00.001-04:00

ahhhhh!
i'm so stupid!
no more.
i swear.

you would rather walk away.

2009-04-07T16:30:00.005-04:00

collage- I knew 'New Mexico'

collage- 'I knew me'

collage- Missouri

NEXT.

2009-04-03T21:55:00.001-04:00

4.3.2009

2009-04-03T18:40:00.008-04:00

" I don't trust the world anymore"
-Aldrin

" I am not a weak woman"
-Elena

" We make a nice triangle, triangles are the strongest shapes"
-Mariam

" I laugh when I don't know how to deal with things"
-Mariam

" The saddest thing is when you smile but don't mean to; just like a front"
-Mariam

" I'm so tired of talking about men, I'm so tired. I have two very intelligent friends and all they do is talk about men."
-Fran

" How could you know happiness if you have never been sad?"
-Eduardo

Farther

2009-04-02T13:42:00.008-04:00

"Vague sound of rain
pierces through my song again
but I get distracted by the way his toes move when he plays
so I let it burn

I just poured my heart out
there's bits of it on the floor
And I take what's left of it and rinse it under cold water
And call him up for more

And I say baby, yes I feel stupid to call you, but I'm lonely
And I don't think you meant it when you said you couldn't love me
And I thought maybe if I kissed the way you do, you'd feel it too

He said I'm sorry"

Maria Mena

Visiting time is from 9am-5am

2009-04-02T12:02:00.015-04:00

I want to thank everyone who made the effort and came all the way up to Weill-Cornell to see me when I was there, my entire spring break. It's important because of how far it really is, and how happy your company made me. I'm just so grateful to have you in my life. It was so sweet when people read books with me, and worked in my sketchbook, especially Fran who made a movie with me.

An entire week is a long time to be in a hospital, attached to a bed. So thanks again- Fran, Topu, Emilie, Mariam, Geo, Andrew, Garette, Chris, and of course Queen Kim.

sketches with Geo

finger painting with Emilie and Chris

Music and Mermaids with Topu and Mariam
"Technologically enhanced"

Trying to learn how music works with expert: Topu

Me-my window view in Watercolor

Me-drawing Topu in ink/pen

Topu's hot mess in Charcoal
lol

Me- drawing Topu in watercolor and pen

Topu's watercolor and charcoal piece

Me- My foot sketch in bed

Fran marker drawing "To be honest" one of her quoteable quotes

Me- Final watercolor foot sketch in bed.

Everyone is cutting their hair...

2009-03-31T14:27:00.008-04:00

There is something like power and nostalgia in your hair,
power to change and not look back.

Reminds me of these lyrics-

You are my sweetest downfall
I loved you first,
I loved you first,
Beneath the sheets of paper lies
my truth I have to go,
I have to go
Your hair was long when we first met...

flashing lights

2009-03-26T16:47:00.003-04:00

"Lying in my bed again
And i cry because you're not here
Crying in my head again
And I know that it's not clear
Put your hands, Put your hands
Inside my face and see that's it's just you
But it's bad and it's mad
And it's making me sad
Because I can't be with you"

2009-03-22T17:43:00.004-04:00

i was just watching and counting boats pass by my window.

Nan Goldin Photography

2009-03-19T15:54:00.004-04:00

Nan Goldin Siobhan at the A-House: nude, Provincetown 1990

Edvard Munch Puberty 1894-5

“My art was the diary of my life. I photographed the people around me. I didn’t think of them as people with AIDS. About ’85, I realized that many of the people around me were positive. David Armstrong took an incredible picture of Kevin, his lover at the time, right before Kevin went into the hospital. I photographed him when he was healthy. At that stage, we still didn’t know very much. There was a lot of ignorance. We were very obsessed with what caused it: There were all kinds of rumors, everything from Amyl nitrate to bacon. People were tested and being told they had something called ARC, that quickly became medically non-relevant. I was in denial that people were going to die. I thought people could beat it. And then people started dying." -Nan Goldin

Goldin's "Ballad of Sexual Dependency" 1986 is now showing at the MoMA
It is 48 minutes almost a slide show of her awesome photos.

Oprah runs this shit

2009-03-19T12:34:00.004-04:00

I'm almost done with James Frey's book "A Million little pieces". But anyways I found this ridiculous video that made me laugh a little. Oprah thinks she's Jesus.

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

The Colbert Report

Mon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c

James Frey's Truthiness

comedycentral.com

Colbert Report Full Episodes

Political Humor

Mark Sanford

2009-03-17T12:21:00.004-04:00

Life is so weird and unexpected

but since you already knew that,
Here are a few photos of that
from my four day spring break with Fran Rather, amazing bitch.

American Musuem of Natural History/THE ROCK MUSEUM!

2009-03-10T14:53:00.011-04:00

"Be kind to the earth
for it was not given to you by your parents,
but loaned to you by your children."

-Korean proverb

The museum is crazy! With their huge beautiful gems, fake lions & pandas and sustainability.
Let's go!

When is this day going to be over? God.

2009-03-08T00:17:00.017-05:00

I hadn't woken up this semester before seven, never wanted or expected to. Until this morning. I wake up at 7:32AM with my aching pussy/vagina, uterus, whatever- you get the picture. I've never had such a rough period in my entire life. It feels like my insides are being grinded up by some machine inside of me, working just to cause more pain. I feel crazy swaying in my bed thinking it will go away and then crawling around my room for any medicine I could find. With three missed calls around 11AM from my job, James and Topu, I begin calling everyone back. "Hey do you know where the checks are?" James asks. "Yea, they're on the left side of the desk by the front...ughh I'm coming; we have work anyways don't we?" I respond. "Yeah, at twelve" James laughs. "I'm on my way" I say as I grab my converse and begin walking.

After eating and avoiding work for just a little while, wow I feel so much better. Maybe everything will go better from now on? We work with children as reading tutors, and over 50 kids of all ages are coming in this morning. I read like three books, to really smart tiny kids. One girl see's my Obama sticker on my sketchbook and tells me she went to the Inaguration; but I don't know how much I believe her. I'm happy to see mad books around and children reading, and even though it's too fucking loud I'm happy to be here. Then it's "costume time". As I sit and look for more books my Boss pulls me and five other Pratt Tutors to pick costumes for the 50 kids and then show her, for some...approval? Well, ok. So we begin, but little kids are crazy and so are big college kids. Just as easy as it was to get in the costume room, all the tutors except me and Lily leave. Fuck! We are left with 50 kids and a million costumes, none which of the kids like. Hello! Beggers aren't choosers hahaha, well that's kinda fucked up but they are getting on my nerves and noone would just be Zorro or the elephant (really it was a big rat), the Asian costume, the costume of being and actual gift present, Shrek etc. God these children are freaking picky! Finally almost every little motherfucker has a costume, crazy ones because our stuff aint too fancy, but they start showing my boss, for that weird approval. I hear her yelling, she's angry and still sitting in the nice chair where she's been, all day. I go to see. "What is this Elena!?" "The little girl made her own costume, she looks so cute, like an evil but spicy witch!" I said. "That's horrible! blah blah bla.." Then you do it! well, at least that's what I want to say; as she continues, I look at the kid, she looks so sad. She really liked what she made from the scraps of crap that we had. I could see the spit on the baby's face. "Ok, I'll find another one for her" I say. "of course! She has to look fabulous for MY event!" she yells as we walk back, and from the corner of my eyes I see all the other bitch tutors standing far from her, probably scared shitless too. Still trying to find fabulous costumes my boss walks in the room. "Oh God! It's crazy in here! I can't handle this. I'm going back" she yells as she walks, I don't know to who, but it's really loud.

Are you fucking kidding me? Fuck this shit. I pass by poor Lily who is surrounded by all these kids, bags, clothes and drama. "I'm out" I tell her. Going to get my purse, ughhh my boss is siting right next to it. fuck shit dammit! Reaching for my shit my boss looks at me with this power and says "Didn't you think that was ridiculous Elena? A girl with a cape, purse and hat?" what the fuck am I supposed to say? It's so hard for me to hold it in "I thought it was very imaginative, she made it herself" I reply. "No it was just ugly, Elena." what the fuck am I supposed to say? It's so hard for me to hold it in "I just don't think it was a big deal. Me and Lily are the only ones working there too, it's very hard". "WHATTT!" she yells. ughh please, like if you didn't know, like if you weren't talking to the fucking tutors all this time in the other room, duh. I grab my shit and leave. Almost at my house I cry and feel like stupid shit. I hate people that act like they're so sweet and caring when with their power all they do is control good people around while taking credit for all their work, for their own benefit. I'd most rather be broke and painting than getting bitched out by someone whom everyone hates but works for just because they need money.

I sent my resignation email soon after and head to the Armory. Maybe everything will go better from now on? maybe. Me, Fran and Kim are supposed to meet in the city. The G train takes like 30 minutes, usual, now the ACE isn't running, great. We have to take a shuttle bus, which never really comes. Okay...I still have hope. We walk to another stop, get on the train; but wait! where is the Armory show anyways? ughh. Let's just get off anywhere. We eat, a crazy couple sits next to us, crying and screaming. Fran let's go. We get up, thinking "we'll just pay up front". "Umm are you going to pay for that?" Asks the manager from behind us, ready to grab us. "Oh yes, it's that, you know there's crazy people over there and ughhh never mind, whatever just tell us how much is it".
Okay the Armory show- oh God, so much art to absorb in two hours, but WOW. Kim forgets her ID and we haven't seen her yet. We almost fall down the retarded stairs they've made out of scraps of boats or something, but it's cool, I don't think anyone saw. Three more trains to get home! Getting near Times Square and looking at the whole view of it from afar, lights and noise included could summarize my entire day "damn that just looks like stress". I say out loud. I have bad memories here. I just want to be home with a kitty and Topu. I just want to be home. Ughh!!!!!! When is this day going to be fucking over! God.

last painting

2009-03-02T22:12:00.001-05:00

untitled 22"x30"

Something I found

2009-03-02T21:47:00.007-05:00

"If I could offer you only one tip for the future, "sunscreen" would be it.

The long-term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists,

whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience.

I will dispense this advice NOW!

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth.

Oh, never mind.

You will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they've faded.

But trust me, in 20 years, you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked.

You are not as fat as you imagine.

Don't worry about the future.
Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum.

The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind,

The kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday.

Do one thing every day that scares you.

Sing

Don't be reckless with other people's hearts.
Don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.

Floss

Don't waste your time on jealousy.
Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind.

The race is long and, in the end, it's only with yourself.

Remember compliments you receive.

Forget the insults.

If you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Keep your old love letters.

Throw away your old bank statements.

Stretch

Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life.
The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives.
Some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know still don't.

Get plenty of calcium.

Be kind to your knees.

You'll miss them when they're gone.

Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't.
Maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't.
Maybe you'll divorce at 40.

Maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary.

Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much,

or berate yourself either.

Your choices are half chance.

So are everybody else's.

Enjoy your body.
Use it every way you can.

Don't be afraid of it or of what other people think of it.

It's the greatest instrument you'll ever own.

Dance

Even if you have nowhere to do it but your living room.

Read the directions, even if you don't follow them.

Do not read beauty magazines.

They will only make you feel ugly.

"Brother and sister together we'll make it through,
Someday a spirit will take you and guide you there
I know that you're hurting but I've been waiting there for you
and I'll be there just helping you out
whenever I can..."

Get to know your parents.

You never know when they'll be gone for good.

Be nice to your siblings.

They're your best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.

Understand that friends come and go,

but with a precious few you should hold on.

Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle, because the older you get,

the more you need the people who knew you when you were young.

Live in "New York City" once, but leave before it makes you hard.

Live in "Northern California" once, but leave before it makes you soft.

Travel

Accept certain inalienable truths:
Prices will rise.

Politicians will philander.

You, too, will get old.

And when you do, you'll fantasize that when you were young,

prices were reasonable, politicians were noble, and children respected their elders.

Respect your elders.

Don't expect anyone else to support you.

Maybe you have a trust fund.

Maybe you'll have a wealthy spouse.

But you never know when either one might run out.

Don't mess too much with your hair or by the time you're 40 it will look 85.

Be careful whose advice you buy,

but be patient with those who supply it.

Advice is a form of nostalgia.

Dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal,

wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it's worth.

But trust me on the sunscreen.

"Brother and sister together we'll make it through,
Someday a spirit will take you and guide you there
I know that you're hurting but I've been waiting there for you
and I'll be there just helping you out
whenever I can..."